I'm Sorry, You Fucking Tit

Google “How To Apologize.” Go on. I dare you.

The first link that comes up pretty much covers it. When and How to Apologize sums up the simple steps of how to apologize. Shall we review? I think everyone needs a refresher.

1. Take responsibility. You screwed up. Own it. It’s no big deal. We’ve all screwed up at some point and time. Nine times out of ten, the person you’re apologizing to will understand. As G.K. Chesterton said, “A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.”

And hey, if someone’s apologizing to you, grow a spine and apologize back. It takes two to tango, and you probably fucked up along the way as well. Own it. It’s no big deal. Let the healing begin, fuckhead.

2. Explain. Don’t excuse – because there isn’t a good one for hurting anyone. Adding on stipulations and modifiers to your apology only shrinks it down into one big rationalization for you. Stand on your own two fit and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t have any excuse for doing what I did.”

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” Kimberly Johnson is right.

3. Show regret. Yeah, you screwed up. Feeling bad about it is natural. The fact that you regret will make the apology go down easier. It’s not weakness to admit you’re human. It’s weakness pretending your not. And it’s unforgiving to act like you’re better than (even if you are).

“True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive,” wrote Mignon McLaughlin in The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960.

4. Repair the screw up. Restitution makes things better. Saying your sorry is one thing, being sorry is another. Offering to repair damage shows that you are, indeed, sorry.

5. Timing. “Oh, I’m so sorry I called you a fucking cunt whore bitch” four weeks later is probably too late. Sometimes, the worse the screw up, the more time and tact needs to be involved.

6. Don’t keep count. Like the webpage said, “It's not about who ‘won’ or who ‘lost.’ It's about keeping a strong friendship.” If you’re keeping count, then maybe you need to pack a lunch in your Carebear lunchbox and head back to grade school, you fucking baby.

Stephen Covey said, “It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.”

Sure, it’s easy to ride the wave of “I’m better than you because I’m apologizing first.” Righteous anger is such a dangerous drug, easily addictive and sweet to the taste. Fools fall under its spell and forget the importance of friendship, kindness and courtesy towards others. Apologies should never be about you, it should be about the other person.

I like Emily Kimbrough’s words: Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.

We’re all in this together. Why do people insist on screwing with their teammates?